The purpose of this blog is so I can write my feelings out. I’m not always good at articulating what I want to say. Sometimes the words just won’t come, and sometimes it feels like my head is an internet browser with 18 tabs open at once. This blog is to help with that. Yes, I want to be a professional writer/author. But my whole thing/brand is honesty and being open and truthful about what’s going on in my life.
My grandpa doesn’t want to press charges, Chase Mastercard isn’t going after me, Amazon just wants to be paid. But back in November I had realized what I had done (not the full extent but that I messed up), and told my uncle. And when he checked it and found out the amount, I took the box I store all my pills in downstairs to my room. My uncle came down and asked if I was thinking about taking them. I said “I’m thinking about a lot of things” then he asked if I was suicidal or thinking about it. I hesitated, so he called the cops, who then took printouts of all the charges. I was fine, I went to the hospital, spoke with crisis and they had me sign a paper stating I would not hurt myself. And I didn’t. And I won’t. SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER!!
So as far as we can figure MA must have a law similar to a domestic violence law where they don’t need grandpa to cooperate to press charges. I’m not saying it’s wrong that I’ve been charged, I mean we knew it was a possibility back when I spoke to crisis. But it had been so long and after chase sent us the paperwork that they would not be going after me, we all thought it was over. Until yesterday.
I don’t think the state of MA is doing my grandfather any good though honestly. He worries constantly about everything, and even though logically I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t throw my disabled behind in jail, it is a slight possibility.
Honestly I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like I’m in a fog and just self- destructing. I haven’t eaten anything since I had a bite of baklava yesterday. I’ve been putting way too many miles on a car that needs to be serviced miles ago.
I am just in full self-sabotage mode. I feel like the only people on my side are my grandfather and my uncle. I feel horrible about what I did. If it wasn’t for my grandfather…. he’s my world!! Well him and my four cats.
That’s all for now. And I promise that I will get around to telling my story about my head injury, my fall down the stairs where I landed on my head, the multiple concussions, the bipolar disorder, the inappropriate sinus tachycardia, the borderline personality disorder, all the abuse I’ve endured, etc. I will get there. It’s just write now I’m so preoccupied with this.
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