I’m glad I started this blog even though I am learning as I go. I’ve been able to have realizations that I don’t think I would have come to if I just sat in my room diamond painting, reading, or watching tv or movies… I’ve also been spending time at my desk instead of spending the day in bed, and honestly, with all I’m going through is what I want to do all day every day. Just hide under the covers and never come out.
I am just so scared and anxious. I’m having anxiety symptoms like crazy. I got out of the bathtub yesterday and my legs just started shaking uncontrollably. I got a dizzy spell which isn’t supposed to happen since I went back on the beta blocker and the fludrocortisone acetate. (I just love spelling and saying that: fludrocortisone acetate) .
I started this blog because I want to let people struggling with Traumatic Brain Injuries, Post Concussion Syndrome, Conversion Disorder, Bipolar type II disorder, borderline personality disorder, inappropriate sinus tachycardia, et al. That they are not alone. But today I want to talk about the estranged side of my family. In 2014 I actually went to court to have my last name legally changed. My dad’s side never seemed to care about me I didn’t want to be associated with them. They always loved my brother and helped him and for that I am forever grateful and wish them nothing but happiness. It’s just who they are, I was never good enough for them for some reason and then after my car accident they really didn’t want anything to do with me. But the insult was one of my uncles sends my Grandfather a Christmas card every single year addressed to (my grandpa and family) I was never even included in their Christmas card, I was relegated to “and family” Does anyone else realize how hurtful that feels? I’ve been here since 2003, not a single birthday card from any one of them. Then, at my brother’s wedding they try and come up and hug me like it’s an ok thing to do. They violated my personal space and I let them get away with it because I wasn’t going to make a scene at my brother’s wedding. I don’t think about them a lot, but man, when I do, an avalanche of emotions comes down and overwhelms me.
I remember when Facebook first became a thing, I requested all my cousins, I wanted a relationship with them. They all ignored me so I think I blocked them for a while. I can be very sensitive, I own that. But they also know nothing about me. No one on that side really does. They don’t care enough to ever send me an email like hey how’s it going? They know nothing about me, know nothing about the way I feel about anything, I doubt they’d know or even cared what I majored in in college. But then they have the nerve to send my grandpa Christmas cards, which my grandpa then insists on showing me even after I remind him what I trigger for me it is. I guess sometimes they call him and I wish they would more (I don’t answer the house phone) but it makes him so happy. And at 92 there are times he doesn’t remember saying he would pay for Dunkin half an hour prior how can I expect him to remember that my dad’s side of the family are a major trigger for me?
When Barbara (my dad’s mom and the picture for this post) passed away, it hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I guess I always thought there would come a time when we could try having a relationship again. A healthy relationship, which would probably never happen, but I held out hope.
As far as my uncles and aunts and cousins and stuff, they’ve made no effort to be part of my life or even pretend they care about me. Again the way they have been towards me is a LOT different then they’ve been towards my brother. They have done a LOT for him and I am extremely grateful. I don’t wish to send anything but positive vibes their way. And I accept that I will probably never have a relationship with my uncles/aunts, cousins…. and that’s ok. I keep my circle small, very small. Otherwise people end up disappointing you.
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