I CAN’T DEAL, I’M IN TEARS

Ok, so for the new readers, I wrote a blog about the toxicity of my dad’s side of the family. But I did them a whole lot nicer than they’ve ever been to me. Then I sent links to all that I could find on social media to that post. Obviously it was impulsive a poor judgment on my part, I just feel if I write about someone on my blog they deserve to at least it, and I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that thought maybe my cousins would reach out. But never in a thousand years did I think they would run to my brother accusing me of “blowing up” their messages on Instagram. One message does not constitute blowing up.

Let me put into context exactly who this girl is. Apparently, she’s married now, to either her father or the guy she brought to my brother’s wedding. That was mean, but seriously there is like some weird incestuous thing going on with her dad right in front of her boyfriend. It was creepy, and weird. Since I want nothing to do with her parents (esp. her dad), I guess in hindsight that was a poor decision. But she ran to my brother and made him choose, them or me. He chose them and I don’t know why I’m surprised. He always has, I guess. Well, he was always able to stay neutral in the middle, and protective of me. Now it’s her he’s protecting. Fine. I don’t need that toxicity in my life and I’ll just return everything I bought for his son.

And now my mom is piling on. I’m so tired of being told and asked and everybody implying I’m stupid and I should no better. Ok got it it was a poor decision thanks to everyone who’s piling on.

Honestly, if my brother is going through so much why can’t he just tell her to ignore me or give her my number so she can have it out with me? Or find me on Instagram of Facebook? This was a direct I don’t want to call it a plan because I doubt she’s that smart, although from what my brother said last time I saw him she does have a pretty impressive resume. I mean, she’s obviously smart and she obviously knows they’re are other ways to deal with me contacting her, blocking is always a wonderful example. She has no disability, and everybody apparently loves her (especially her dad), so the question remains, why did she have to run to my brother?

Regardless, does she not know I was in a car accident and suffered brain damage? Does she not know a few years ago I fell down my stairs and landed on my head? Does she not know I’m now up to at least 5 concussions and have to see a neurologist to determine if I have Post-Concussion Syndrome? She probably doesn’t; but he does. And he chose to handle this by harping and texting me about common sense, and saying my conditions are no excuse for impulsivity, poor judgment, and I’m so upset my vocabulary is at a standstill. So I can only think of two words right now.

Now my brain injury also exacerbated my mental illnesses, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and impulse control disorder, etc.

My conditions are NOT excuses, but they ARE facts, and they ARE explanations. I made a poor judgment, I made a mistake, ok. Fine. I accept that. I’m sorry. My bad. What else do they want from me. Honestly, sometimes I feel like my brother wants me to kill myself or something. It’s just a feeling I get every time he has to come between me and the Gerdts’. It would have been easier if I had died in my car wreck. Today as he was sending me text after text and my hands were shaking, tears were falling down my face, my heart started racing despite the beta blocker I take, the migraine started, all I could do is look at the box where I store my pills. I even started a text telling him he was making me want to kill myself. But I never sent it and it’s not true. Nobody can MAKE you want to hurt yourself unless you give them the power. So I blocked him and his wife instead. I blocked their numbers, unfriended them on Facebook, Instagram, etc. He can’t make me want to hurt myself and neither can my mom or anybody else unless I give them the power to.

Which is why I hung up on my mother, she wants to defend him, and keep asking the same questions so I get more and more upset. As soon as I start looking at those bottles I hung up the phone.

You know what I really find funny though, is he’s all like “so much is happening I can’t even tell you”, then my mom piles on with “you know he just lost someone blah blah blah”. Obviously, what I’m going through doesn’t matter to anyone. He never asks, he never calls my grandpa, he is a shit grandson, he has one grandparent left and he ignores him. He doesn’t ever care what I’m going through. I only talk to him when I message him. Maybe he made his decision a long time ago and I just didn’t want to see it.

He’s everyone’s favorite and it’s always been that way and I am so sick of it. I don’t want him in my life, at least right now, but I really doubt I will change my mind. I’m trying to get rid of toxicity in my life.

As for my mom, I just need a couple days to calm down and move on. Maybe after I speak with my therapist on Wednesday. I can’t really fault her, I texted her. Another poor decision. Had I just left it alone we would still be on good terms. Oh well.

That’s all for now. Anyone that reads this thank you for listening to me vent, if anyone else deals with family drama feel free to leave a comment. Actually, feel free to leave a comment about anything. I love to interact with my readers!!

Don’t forget to like, subscribe, follow, comment, share…. xoxoxo

P.S. I chose the photo of Mr. Cat for this entry because I remember that day and he was pretty sad. And he looks sad.

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