First of all, I haven’t written a post because I haven’t been feeling well, I’ve been stuck in bed with a killer migraine almost every day. This Tuesday I have an appointment at MassGeneral to get Botox which will hopefully end these constant migraines, and let me get back to my life. And let me get back to doing the exercises and playing board games with my Grandpa. I feel like I’ve been doing the bare minimum lately, and I should be doing more. However, I feed him on time, cook when I feel well enough, and make sure he takes his meds at the right time. I just feel I should be doing more. I know he’s been doing his exercises daily, the upstairs ones anyway, but I haven’t been pushing him and haven’t been making him do the downstairs exercises (which he can’t do by himself anyway). I miss the board games and the card games too. I’m convinced he somehow cheats because no one can possibly be as good at Old Maid as he is. LOL. Seriously.
I’m working with my therapist on self forgiveness, but it is extremely hard. Growing up I was a total bookworm and focused on school and gymnastics, even skipped a grade or two. I was always a perfectionist, and to this day I still am with certain things. I have like ten million pens (exaggeration yes, but not as much as you may think.)
It’s difficult for me, the last 20 years since my car wreck have not been kind to me. I would get a job and work my ass off, and I did the job better than most employees because since my car accident I feel like I have something to prove. But I’d still hear the whispers behind my back, the condescending way managers and other employees alike would talk to me. The way they would make me so miserable and I knew they were discriminating against me but I couldn’t prove it, so I’d end up having a meltdown and quitting.
It hasn’t gotten easier with time, but my attitude is starting to change. I’m sure I’ve said this before, I tend to repeat myself a lot. One of the perks of multiple head traumas. And my dysarthria that makes me talk like I’m shouting even though to me I sound normal. For 20 years I have wished that I hadn’t survived my car wreck. Every time my mom would bring it up I would reiterate that I wish I had died. (More on that later). But I’ve finally gotten to a point where I’m not happy I survived, but I’m not not happy. Taking care of my grandpa gives me purpose, I don’t feel like I’m just “existing” anymore. But I also realize that I do need to find something else, aside from just taking care of my 92 year old grandfather. He’s not going to be around forever, and it kills me to think about not having him.
I love to write I always have. And I’m glad I started this blog to get things off my chest and practice my writing. I really want to be an author. And I like having people read my stuff.
So for those who haven’t read my entries where I discuss the big blow up I had because my cousin is a Karen. Ironically, her mother is also named Karen and they both fit that description to a T. I just completely lost it and told my brother to just think of me as dead. I then got into it with my mom hung up on her and totally blew up her text messages with not so nice language.
I do have mental illnesses I have to deal with on a daily basis, and when you throw in the stress I’m under (my court case, the fact that I keep getting concussion after concussion, the fact that I’m showing signs of Post-Concussion Syndrome, and I have to see a neurologist and find out exactly how much head trauma/concussions I have to get before I have to start worrying about the possibility of CTE). You get the idea. That’s another thing, all of a sudden I’m having these intense reactions and having violent thoughts that I don’t like. And it honestly scares me. My mom has been there for me and supported me through so much, yet every time I get mad I forget all of that and make it seem as though she hasn’t supported me, or is choosing my brother over me.
My father’s half of the family has never been kind to me. They never liked me since the day I was born. The exception would be Barbara, as two faced as she was, and all the needless drama, I do believe in her own way she did love me in her own way. I forgive her for everything that ever happened and am choosing to focus on my good memories of her.
All these years I would get so mad at my mom for bringing up my car wreck and every time she did I would make it clear that I wish I hadn’t survived. I’ve never tried to see things from her point of view, but it has to be all she thinks about, that she very nearly lost her daughter. But my uncle mentioned last night that that is probably something she thinks about all the time. I went to bed thinking about that. It’s hard to see things from different perspectives. I’ve just always looked at it from my perspective, and the last 20 years have brought nothing but misery, life has not been kind to me. But I’m here, and I’m trying. I’m trying to get better, I’m trying to find a purpose, besides just taking care of grandpa and my cats. I love my cats. I love how it is now more than when I was dating the last couple of losers I dated. I like being by myself, I have a 50 pound weighted blanket I sleep under, and all 4 cats know when its bedtime and they all cuddle by me. I’m fulfilled by myself (well as much as I can be with the issues I’m working on). But I have absolutely no interest in browsing dating right now. I’m happy being able to get stuff for myself, do my hobbies, write, quarantine has been difficult but because I can’t go out and see my friends when I want to. Not because I want to date or anything like that. I hate how society acts and teaches us that if you don’t have a partner your life must not be complete. That’s complete horseshit.
Anyway back on topic, last night me and my mom tried to make up (it didn’t go so well). So we tried again this morning. And I realize that there are some things I can really be better at. And I understand her perspective a little more and I think she gets mine. I think we can get back to being close again. I also realized that I tend to project my feelings about Robbie onto her, and when she doesn’t automatically choose me I project my jealousy and feelings of inferiority about my brother onto her. The entire half of the family that doesn’t like me and that probably wishes I had died in the wreck, has always loved him. Even though I was smarter, more driven, they would take my brother places and leave me with my grandmother. Which, really, I’m kind of grateful because it helped me build a bond with my “cookie”. I used to sit at the dining room table with her and practice my handwriting. And she would always say “don’t you want to go outside to play?” I’d be like “nope need to practice because left handed people usually have messy handwriting.” I have the best memories of my mom’s mom. I was her favorite, everyone knew it. But she NEVER treated my brother like he wasn’t worth anything. She treated us the same, spoiled us the same. There was never a competition for her attention, she had plenty of attention, and love to give to both of us. Even though I was her favorite. 😁
Before I end this post, I want to describe what goes on with me daily:
I have a million thoughts running through my head at any one time, my intention tremor has come back since the last concussion, I constantly forget what I am saying or doing, I repeat myself constantly and if I’m put on the spot it’s like I freeze and can’t remember my point. I’m stumbling over words, my depth perception is getting worse. I’m even getting my cats names mixed up, it’s a horrible feeling to feel like I’m losing it. These new feelings of rage are so much more intense than they’ve been in the past, it’s scary. I constantly have to nap, I have a migraine nearly every day, and every day I deal with suicidal ideation. I feel like I live in a hell that no one can fully understand.
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