I read somewhere that having a relationship with someone who has BPD could be considered a “life sentence” of misery. I don’t remember where I saw that (short term memory loss, TBI), but here are my thoughts on that:
I feel that CAN be true, if the person with BPD doesn’t have a handle on it. Seriously, it’s a personality disorder and you can’t treat it with medication, but there are treatments for it. DBT, CBT, talk therapy has helped me more than either DBT or CBT. Plus, since I have bipolar as well, I do take medication, and it helps with my mood so I kind of feel like it helps my BPD as well. I could be wrong and it could just be a mental thing. Either way, I feel like it’s under control. So basically if someone gets into a relationship with someone with BPD, 1.) that person should be aware that you suffer from mental illness, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. If they bounce after being told that, then they wouldn’t be able to support you and deal with your moods anyway. That really sucks when that happens. However, it’s better to know in the beginning he’s a douche than way down the line. and 2.) you should have it mostly together, at least be working on it and working on yourself. 3. Personally I get attached really easily and that can be hard for a partner to deal with. It’s better that they know about the love/hate cycle that can happen, and again therapy, in whatever form, is a must I feel. As borderliners we need to really work on ourselves and it’s not fair! But it’s true.
I was seven years old when I started showing bipolar traits, and by the time I was 16 my borderline personality was so severe that even though they don’t normally diagnose BPD until you’re 18, they diagnosed me with Bipolar Type II, and BPD.
I’m not going to lie, it’s been very hard for me. Back in 2008 (I think), I dated this wonderful guy, we went on dates to Coney Island, Six Flags, Central Park, he was (and I assume still is) absolutely wonderful. It’s probably the only healthy relationship I’ve ever had. And I fucked it up, I went all Borderline on him then when I changed my mind he wasn’t having it. It still hurts to this day, I would give anything for a second chance with him, but he’s in a different state and I’m up here and wouldn’t leave here for anything. I wish him all the happiness in the world though.
Fast forward to the one night stand that just WOULDN’T GO AWAY! Well that’s not entirely true, but that’s all he was meant to be, I was rebounding! But he kept calling and being all sweet so I kept talking/sleeping with him. But then, he started ghosting me all the damn time! Every other week it seems like he would just disappear with no explanation. If anyone is like me, that’s the one thing I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT STAND. Being ignored ignites anger that no one wants to see He wasn’t married though so I really have no fucking clue where he went all those times. And then he would come back and blame everything on me! He used my mental illnesses and my TBI against me. And I kept letting him come back, so in a way it was kind of my fault. I was my own worst enemy. He knew exactly what to say to reel me back in, and my friends were supportive (not of him obvi), but they supported me and my decisions. They were always there for me. They were there for me every time he broke my heart by disappearing…. I finally smartened up, dropped him and moved on to my next unhealthy relationship.
I won’t put the blame entirely on him, but it was a toxic unhealthy relationship on both our sides. I literally hated myself and he was into the whole BDSM thing. I let him go way too far, to the point I actually was considering suicide. And he was a dick! Never cared about my opinion or what I wanted even though he said “I love you” every time we had sex. Nothing against the BDSM community, I actually think it’s kind of hot. But consensual abuse is still abuse. I should have bounced after the first concussion. LOL. We were absolutely horrible to one another. I ended it when I found out he was fucking everything he could, despite our agreement to be monogamous. So how does any self respecting borderliner deal with being fucked over that egregiously? I made him sorry for the day we met. I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. Nope, I got him and I got him good.
Ok I have totally gone off on a tangent, and I think a lot of why I let the first moron back so many times, and why I let the second treat me as though I was worthless, I honestly think it had a lot to do with the fact that I screwed up the one healthy relationship I’ve ever had in my life.
So for the last 2, 2 1/2 years I haven’t been dating, I’ve been working on myself in therapy, throwing myself into projects such as diamond painting and writing, making sure my cats are living their best lives. I read all the time, and honestly I’m in a really good place right now.
Two of my closest friends (only 2, I don’t trust anyone else), have dealt with me at my worst years ago. I did have 3 friends, I supported her constantly, when her husband was cheating I offered advice, when her husband was answering group sex ads, I was there even after I found out she was talking shit about me behind my back. (Strike One). But then, when I needed her all of a sudden she was a ghost (Strike 2). After that I was just looking for an excuse to drop her. I got it, she posted a meme that said “If Hilary couldn’t satisfty Bill, then how can she satisfy the country?” First of all, sex has absolutely nothing to do with being president, second that’s completely mysogynistic, and third, those who live in glass houses should not be throwing stones. I said as much to her on her Facebook wall, in fact I said a lot more than that. I repeated everything she told me in confidence (like I said any self-respecting Borderliner will go out with a bang). I think the longest I went without speaking to my true friends (both of them) was like 9 months or something. I was all like “I hate you!” Luckily they know about my TBI and about my mental illnesses and like the true friends they are, welcomed me back with open arms. And we haven’t fought for years since. I honestly think that subconsciously I was testing them or something. But I never went after them like I did with the fake one. I could not ask for better friends. They are true, reliable, excellent friends. Plus I love their children.
Ok, back to the topic, I don’t know when or if I’ll be ready to date again, but I know that if and when the time comes I’m at a good place and know what my triggers are and how to deal with them. I’m not ashamed of my head injury, in fact I kind of feel like I’m awesome for surviving it, when their were so many accidents and deaths at that intersection that year. (Although being proud of being a survivor doesn’t necessarily mean I’m happy about it). I survived being raped too, but I’m not happy about it, I wish it didn’t happen. But my struggle with that is for another blog entry. But I’m not ashamed in the least about having mental illnesses, it’s not my fault. And I’ve done a LOT of work on myself to get to the place I’m at. So no, I don’t think it’s a life sentence of misery for the non-borderline person. It can be, but if a person wants to overcome it, they can.
Sometimes it’s really hard, there have been plenty of times when I stay in bed knowing how to feel better, but not feeling like I could, or that I even deserved to feel better. When those thoughts start coming, I put myself in actress mode. I make it my mission to fool everyone else into thinking I’m fine. I do what I would normally do, what I should do, smile and talk to people… etc. And then all of a sudden I find I’m not acting anymore. And I genuinely feel better.
It’s about knowing yourself, loving yourself, before you can ever have a healthy relationship. I wish I had met my amazing guy now instead of almost 12 years ago. I definitely believe it would be a much better relationship for both of us. But alas, we don’t get wishes. So I just hope he’s happy and doing well and he’ll always be my 1st love. (everyone else I got involved with and thought I loved was toxic, so whatever I felt for them it was not love, even if it seemed like it at the time).
Let me go on one more tangent about BDSM. When done correctly, it’s hot. When it’s done the 50 shades of abuse way, ugh those books were terrible! I don’t understand why everyone made it such a big fucking deal. E.L. James writes like a 5th grader.
Meredith Wild wrote “The Hacker Series”, there are 5 books in the series and it’s a lot more believable and a lot healthier dynamic. He knows she was raped so he didn’t want her to know what he was into because he didn’t think it would be healthy for her, which she takes as rejection. But when she finds out she CHOOSES to get into BDSM with her. She was totally independent and that caused some friction, well a lot of friction as their relationship progressed. There was no stupid contract telling her she had to go the gym, and sleep in another bedroom, and whatever other bullshit E. L. James put in her book. It was actually believable, and a lot healthier. 50 shades of bullshit. 50 shades of abuse. Whatever you want to call it, it was disgusting. But I loved the Hacker Series. Meredith Wild knows how to write, and she writes really well.
I also heard that in the movie the two protagonists had absolutely no chemistry on screen, so she’s a shitty producer or whatever as well. I don’t get why everyone got so wrapped up in that 50 shades bullshit, when Meredith Wild writes books that are wonderful, absolutely phenomenal. And having the girl with a difficult past (the rape in college), and having her keep her independence and at times fight with him over it. Is so much better and more believable.
Tangent done, but if you go to my home page I made a separate page on Allison Burnett, a wonderful writer as well. Check it out 🙂
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