This probably won’t be a long entry, but I wanted to give my readers an update as to how I’m doing. Not well at all.
It turns out my uncle’s health has been failing for over a year, and he had to go to the emergency room two weeks ago, and then he had to quit his job. Last week he told my mom, grandpa, and me that he’s not going to fight it and just enjoy the time he has left.
I’ve been extremely depressed, (my uncle is the one I am closest to in my family), a little betrayed because for the last year we’ve been making plans to fix up our house etc.
But we had a talk the other day, and we talked about personal demons, and decisions about fighting chronic illnesses. Honestly, I don’t know what I would choose to do if an MRI showed a tumor or something in my body. I’ve been fighting and surviving through so much my entire life, that I can’t honestly say I would choose to fight it, if it happened. I’m fine as of now, except for the depression, the inability to get out of bed, the feeling that I’m being abandoned again.
During our talk, my uncle said that he understands why I feel betrayed and abandoned and that he doesn’t blame me for it. And as hard as it is to accept, I understand where he’s coming from as well, and although I wish he would fight, I understand his decision and support him. As hard as it is, I just want to enjoy the time we have left with him.
So that’s basically what I’ve been up to and why I haven’t been posting. It’s at the point now where I’m having to take care of 2 people instead of just my grandfather. The other day I had to go food shopping, I had to run other errands for my grandpa and uncle, by the end of the day I was exhausted.
My uncle is still able to do things, he has hours where he feels great, he’s still able to bring the heavy stuff in from my car. And his car, (we’re going to sell mine, there’s no point in having two cars and two insurance payments when we’re living on my grandpa’s pension alone).
My grandpa is a wreck, of course he is, it’s his son! Everyone in our family is taking this hard. I’m crying even as I type this.
We were talking the other night and I said something about ending up in assisted living or something, and he looked at me and said “you’ll have a book deal by then”. He believes in me, even though lately I haven’t been believing in myself too much. He said it with such confidence too.
I have to go, I’m kind of a wreck right now.