Depression/Hopeless 1

So my GoFundMe is holding strong at 0 dollars. I need 5000 to pay my uncle and grandfather back. At this point I’m kind of whatever about it. Times are tough, real tough, and there are people with GoFundMe’s for food for their family and whatnot.

I got an email today from someone at the GoFundMe site, saying they were concerned because I mention having suicidal thoughts. He gave me resources and asked if I was working with someone or whatever. I thought that was nice. And I do have a therapist. And a psychiatrist, neurologist, Botox doctor (for migraines), neuropsychiatrist, the list goes on and on.

Being completely honest, I still do have suicidal thoughts like all the time. There is no possible way I’ll be able to pay my uncle back in any short amount of time. Times are tough, people don’t have money to throw away money to a spoiled girl that really messed up and now owes her uncle and grandfather 5 grand.

But just because I have suicidal thoughts doesn’t mean I am going to hurt myself. That’s why Crisis let me go home the night my uncle was scared I was going to do it. I told the crisis guy “suicidal ideation does not mean I’m actually going to do it”

I’m just really depressed, especially right now, it’s very hard to get out of bed. I’m fatigued all day and have insomnia at night. I just wish I could do something. And times are really tough so I mean I understand why no one wants to donate, and why they can’t. It’s just depressing because all I can do is 50 dollars a month.

Baseball season starts tomorrow and I am excited about that. Go Yankees!! I’m going to add my GoFundMe on here once more, just in case. I hate myself for the position I put my uncle and grandfather in. I’m working on the whole self forgiveness thing but its not going to well.

Fundraiser by Shannon Catherine Marie : Help Shannon Repay Her Uncle and Grandfather (gofundme.com)

Cookie

Today would have been my grandma would have turned 92, had she not died in 2002. I still miss her so much. It doesn’t seem fair that I lost her, I’m still angry that I lost her. She absolutely hated being photographed so basically I have the featured image, and some wedding photos.

Funny story about the wedding photos, they were taken by a professional photographer, so we can’t make copies. The day my grandfather found his wedding album I took it to CVS to try and make copies and they wouldn’t let me. I was so furious. I went home crying and my uncle asked what was wrong and I told him I couldn’t make copies and it wasn’t fair because I was the closest to her and it’s not my fault I was born at “the bottom of the food chain”. It goes my grandpa of course, then my mom, then my uncle, then my brother, and then me. So I’d be like 60 by the time the pictures got to me and I was so distraught. Ok maybe this story isn’t so funny, but seriously you have to give me credit for the “bottom of the food chain” comment.

So after my little emotional breakdown/outburst, I went down to my room. And my uncle went upstairs to talk to my grandfather about what happened. So the next day grandpa gave me 1/2 of his wedding picturesπŸ’žπŸ’“πŸ’—. Happy ending for me!!

My grandmother was constantly shopping, she would buy like 20 of one thing 30 of another, she did her Christmas shopping all year round. I remember one time it was me, my grandpa, cookie, and my brother, we had just been to a store where my grandma bought like 20 fly swatters. Then, in our hotel room, there was a fly and she wouldn’t let my brother use a fly swatter kill it. So he ended up chasing the fly around the room trying to kill it with a hotel bible. It was hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.

When I was young and my dad’s side of the family would take my brother places and leave me with me with my cookie and at that time my grandpa was always at work (He was VP of Guardian Life Insurance), I would sit at the dining room table practicing my handwriting or just reading. She would always say to me: “why don’t you go outside and play” and I’d always have the same answer “I’m having fun sitting with you, and besides I’m left handed and lefties have bad handwriting, I want good handwriting.” I was a nerd since I was 4 and taught myself how to read.

I miss her so much. I’m definitely close to my grandfather, I don’t know what I would do without him. I mean not only does he help me, he doesn’t realize how much taking care of him actually means to me. And I help him by taking care of him.

One day, years ago, back when grandpa was still able to come downstairs, we were in the laundry room and I found a big portrait of him and my grandma. I took it and hung it up in my room. Later that day I went up to his room and said “you realize you’re not getting that portrait back right?” And he laughed and said “yeah I kind of figured that when you hung it on your wall”.

This is the portrait we found in the laundry room that now hangs in my room.

I love her so much. And it’s supposed to get easier with time, but really, it hasn’t. I miss her more and more each day, and I’ll admit that I’m a little bitter that she passed but all the assholes on my dad’s side are fine. Granted my other Grandma and Grandpa passed but that was just this year and a couple years ago. It just seems so unfair. And my cousins, why do they get to keep living without a care in the world? They are BAD PEOPLE!! I fully admit that I am bitter and I would have rathered it be one of them instead of my Cookie. Then again I have no relationship with them so I don’t care what happens to them.

I have so many more stories, but I’ll save them for another day. The most important thing is I have so many good memories of her it helps keep her alive in my heart.

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Wednesday’s Thoughts

I actually started this entry yesterday, but then I got really tired and went back to sleep. And then when I woke up I had to rush to the nail salon, and then as soon as I was done my uncle and me headed out to Mass General in Boston so I could get the Botox done. It was not fun. He injected it all into my head and it hurt as he did it. I felt the little pricks as he poked all the different spots in my head. Then leaving, I had a bit of a headache, today I feel somewhat better, other than feeling extremely tired.

The Back of my eye is hurting a little bit, so I don’t expect to do much today. Maybe watch some tv or nap, read, I ruined a diamond painting because of my own stupidity. Anyone that diamond paints can probably understand what happens when you leave the sticky part exposed and get a paper stuck on it. The other one that got ruined was more my cats fault. I accidently left the sticky part exposed and my cat knocked a drink on it.

I stayed up late last night finishing the book “Her Dark Lies” by JT Ellison, it kept my attention and I could not put it down. Every book I’ve read by her has kept my attention and I have a hard time putting it down. She is a brilliant writer. I’m about to start “Dead To Her” by Sarah Pinborough.

The hardest thing I’m having to deal with right now are the neurological symptoms (the intention tremor, the fatigue, the stumbling, the tripping over my words as I try to talk, etc.). And the constant migraines which should get better with the Botox, although the dr. did say most patients usually start to really see results after the second treatment. Which will be in twelve weeks. Yay.

I’ve been thinking about my brother a lot the past few days, and I don’t think he’s been so much as willfully ignorant, as much as naively ignorant. Which would go back to the post where I mentioned that in the hospital while I was on an all liquid diet he fed me cheese fries. I feel like even back then he was in a little bit of denial about exactly what happened to me and how I was changed forever.

I just feel like he doesn’t understand my limitations, and is still in a state of denial, (not completely, but to a certain effect). I feel like he doesn’t understand my conditions and up to this point hasn’t even tried to understand the full effects, and what I deal with on a daily basis. Especially right now, I have so much stuff going on in my life that I need to focus on. Maybe one day we’ll be able to have a conversation and work things out, but not right now. I have too much going on in my life that I need to be focused on.

Last night I was thinking about my blog and what I would like to do with it. Should I make different pages? Such as my favorite quotes/affirmations, maybe one with song lyrics that really resonate with me. One thing is I would like to start a series on tv show characters that I really relate to and why I relate to them. Another thing I would like to do is write some book/movie reviews, and also I’ve been studying the Law of Attraction and Affirmations, I also have some kindle books with some journal prompts, which I think will be helpful in finding myself, as well as improving my writing.

I’m still relatively new at this, so I’m trying to come up with ideas that will really make my page stand out. If anyone has any suggestions I am all ears.

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Update 2

First of all, I haven’t written a post because I haven’t been feeling well, I’ve been stuck in bed with a killer migraine almost every day. This Tuesday I have an appointment at MassGeneral to get Botox which will hopefully end these constant migraines, and let me get back to my life. And let me get back to doing the exercises and playing board games with my Grandpa. I feel like I’ve been doing the bare minimum lately, and I should be doing more. However, I feed him on time, cook when I feel well enough, and make sure he takes his meds at the right time. I just feel I should be doing more. I know he’s been doing his exercises daily, the upstairs ones anyway, but I haven’t been pushing him and haven’t been making him do the downstairs exercises (which he can’t do by himself anyway). I miss the board games and the card games too. I’m convinced he somehow cheats because no one can possibly be as good at Old Maid as he is. LOL. Seriously.

I’m working with my therapist on self forgiveness, but it is extremely hard. Growing up I was a total bookworm and focused on school and gymnastics, even skipped a grade or two. I was always a perfectionist, and to this day I still am with certain things. I have like ten million pens (exaggeration yes, but not as much as you may think.)

Each drawer has a certain type of pen in all different colors but I like to keep them organized, in fact I’m a little neurotic about it. My uncle now has like 50 notebooks because I am so neurotic that I will just throw a notebook away if I rip out a page or two. I have a lot of issues to work on.

It’s difficult for me, the last 20 years since my car wreck have not been kind to me. I would get a job and work my ass off, and I did the job better than most employees because since my car accident I feel like I have something to prove. But I’d still hear the whispers behind my back, the condescending way managers and other employees alike would talk to me. The way they would make me so miserable and I knew they were discriminating against me but I couldn’t prove it, so I’d end up having a meltdown and quitting.

It hasn’t gotten easier with time, but my attitude is starting to change. I’m sure I’ve said this before, I tend to repeat myself a lot. One of the perks of multiple head traumas. And my dysarthria that makes me talk like I’m shouting even though to me I sound normal. For 20 years I have wished that I hadn’t survived my car wreck. Every time my mom would bring it up I would reiterate that I wish I had died. (More on that later). But I’ve finally gotten to a point where I’m not happy I survived, but I’m not not happy. Taking care of my grandpa gives me purpose, I don’t feel like I’m just “existing” anymore. But I also realize that I do need to find something else, aside from just taking care of my 92 year old grandfather. He’s not going to be around forever, and it kills me to think about not having him.

I love to write I always have. And I’m glad I started this blog to get things off my chest and practice my writing. I really want to be an author. And I like having people read my stuff.

So for those who haven’t read my entries where I discuss the big blow up I had because my cousin is a Karen. Ironically, her mother is also named Karen and they both fit that description to a T. I just completely lost it and told my brother to just think of me as dead. I then got into it with my mom hung up on her and totally blew up her text messages with not so nice language.

I do have mental illnesses I have to deal with on a daily basis, and when you throw in the stress I’m under (my court case, the fact that I keep getting concussion after concussion, the fact that I’m showing signs of Post-Concussion Syndrome, and I have to see a neurologist and find out exactly how much head trauma/concussions I have to get before I have to start worrying about the possibility of CTE). You get the idea. That’s another thing, all of a sudden I’m having these intense reactions and having violent thoughts that I don’t like. And it honestly scares me. My mom has been there for me and supported me through so much, yet every time I get mad I forget all of that and make it seem as though she hasn’t supported me, or is choosing my brother over me.

My father’s half of the family has never been kind to me. They never liked me since the day I was born. The exception would be Barbara, as two faced as she was, and all the needless drama, I do believe in her own way she did love me in her own way. I forgive her for everything that ever happened and am choosing to focus on my good memories of her.

All these years I would get so mad at my mom for bringing up my car wreck and every time she did I would make it clear that I wish I hadn’t survived. I’ve never tried to see things from her point of view, but it has to be all she thinks about, that she very nearly lost her daughter. But my uncle mentioned last night that that is probably something she thinks about all the time. I went to bed thinking about that. It’s hard to see things from different perspectives. I’ve just always looked at it from my perspective, and the last 20 years have brought nothing but misery, life has not been kind to me. But I’m here, and I’m trying. I’m trying to get better, I’m trying to find a purpose, besides just taking care of grandpa and my cats. I love my cats. I love how it is now more than when I was dating the last couple of losers I dated. I like being by myself, I have a 50 pound weighted blanket I sleep under, and all 4 cats know when its bedtime and they all cuddle by me. I’m fulfilled by myself (well as much as I can be with the issues I’m working on). But I have absolutely no interest in browsing dating right now. I’m happy being able to get stuff for myself, do my hobbies, write, quarantine has been difficult but because I can’t go out and see my friends when I want to. Not because I want to date or anything like that. I hate how society acts and teaches us that if you don’t have a partner your life must not be complete. That’s complete horseshit.

Anyway back on topic, last night me and my mom tried to make up (it didn’t go so well). So we tried again this morning. And I realize that there are some things I can really be better at. And I understand her perspective a little more and I think she gets mine. I think we can get back to being close again. I also realized that I tend to project my feelings about Robbie onto her, and when she doesn’t automatically choose me I project my jealousy and feelings of inferiority about my brother onto her. The entire half of the family that doesn’t like me and that probably wishes I had died in the wreck, has always loved him. Even though I was smarter, more driven, they would take my brother places and leave me with my grandmother. Which, really, I’m kind of grateful because it helped me build a bond with my “cookie”. I used to sit at the dining room table with her and practice my handwriting. And she would always say “don’t you want to go outside to play?” I’d be like “nope need to practice because left handed people usually have messy handwriting.” I have the best memories of my mom’s mom. I was her favorite, everyone knew it. But she NEVER treated my brother like he wasn’t worth anything. She treated us the same, spoiled us the same. There was never a competition for her attention, she had plenty of attention, and love to give to both of us. Even though I was her favorite. 😁

Before I end this post, I want to describe what goes on with me daily:

I have a million thoughts running through my head at any one time, my intention tremor has come back since the last concussion, I constantly forget what I am saying or doing, I repeat myself constantly and if I’m put on the spot it’s like I freeze and can’t remember my point. I’m stumbling over words, my depth perception is getting worse. I’m even getting my cats names mixed up, it’s a horrible feeling to feel like I’m losing it. These new feelings of rage are so much more intense than they’ve been in the past, it’s scary. I constantly have to nap, I have a migraine nearly every day, and every day I deal with suicidal ideation. I feel like I live in a hell that no one can fully understand.

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Something Is Not Right

I’ve been sick and in bed since late last week, my stomach has been in a LOT of pain and I’ve been in bed watching movies and tv shows on Amazon. I haven’t been on here because I just haven’t been feeling right. I’ll be back when I’m feeling better.

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I Feel Like Such A Failure

Yesterday, my uncle wrote me a check to cover all the Amazon expenses (because we both share prime and we use my account for buying tv shows and movies and stuff). He wrote up a bill as well so I can start working on paying him back. I’ve felt absolutely horrible about the whole Amazon thing since November when I found out how much I spent.

I can’t really go into too much detail right now. But I messed up big time. I messed up so bad that my uncle had to call the police because he was afraid I was going to hurt myself. I was definitely considering it. Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try I just keep messing up. It’s so hard. Between my TBI and my mental health issues it is just so hard not to be impulsive and do stupid things that seem like no big deal at the time. But I’m hurting the two people that mean the most to me in the world. My grandfather is my world. When he tore his rotator cuff, there was no question about it. I was going to stay home and take care of him. Make his meals, give him his pills on time, etc. He took me in when no one else in my family wanted me. I love him so much and to think that I hurt him kills me inside.

As for my uncle, I can always talk to him about what I’m going through, and he always has good advice, he’s helped me out financially more times than I can count. I hate that I put them through so much. My uncle wrote me out a bill and told me to start thinking of ways to pay him back. I figure I can do 50 dollars a month (I hope). So I owe him 3,400.00 and that’s just from yesterday. I feel horrible because it is going to take forever to pay him back.

This morning I woke up and went up to see my grandpa and I said to him I feel like such a horrible person, and he told me not to feel that way and that they would work everything out. And he reminded me how much he loves me and how much I do for him. It’s still hard though, I feel so bad about everything.

My room is a disaster area and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of living like a hoarding slob. I think it stems from when I was growing up we didn’t have much, and when I would spend time with my grandma and grandpa they would get me whatever I wanted. And the fact that in 2003 the first time I moved up here I really didn’t have anything. Just some clothes. Grandpa bought me a lot of stuff and I became completely spoiled. I’m trying to get out of that mentality and become mature. It has NOT been easy. But I am determined to become a better, more mature person.

It won’t be easy, but I believe in myself. I’m a fighter and a survivor and I can do whatever I put my mind to.

Arraignment Day

So I was up at 6:30am ready to call the courthouse right at 8am for my intake. My grandpa treated us both to Dunkin before I called in, but I was back in plenty of time. I have to say that I like doing the court by phone thing, I was able to work on my diamond painting as she asked me questions. So then I was sent a text message with instructions on what to do at 10 am for the actual arraignment.

At 10 am I called in and really didn’t have to say anything, got my next court date and got assigned a lawyer.

I have spent so much time worrying about this day so scared of what would happen, when really it was so simple and easy. I remember the “vulnerable community officer” said she was going to reach out to her courthouse contacts to try and make the day easier for me. I was really scared even last night. I was so anxious, and it didn’t help that Buttercup stood at the top of my stairs for like 20 minutes meowing really loudly hoping someone would open the door. And when no one did he jumped up on my bed and cuddled with the other cats.

Three of them can accept that when it’s time for bed they have to go down to the basement (my room). In fact they are such good cats that all I have to say is “bedtime” and point towards my door. They all trot down with no problem. Occasionally, Mr. Cat will go down to the living room and just collapse and make me carry him downstairs. Buttercup used to be the first one down. Now he’s going through his rebellious phase.

Well, I’ve been sitting at my desk since like 7 am basically and I don’t have a normal desk chair, I have a cheap regular chair. And I’m extremely tired so I am going to take a nap. Maybe I’ll write another blog later, or maybe I’ll write one tomorrow.

The important thing is: I WILL BE BACK!

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The Last Few Days

I haven’t written an entry in the last few days because I haven’t been feeling well. I’ve had a migraine that just wouldn’t go away.

So, I’ve been spending a lot of time in bed watching “The Big Bang Theory”, and the “Punky Brewster” revival on Peacock. And I have to say I really hope there is a second season. I love that Freddie Prinze Jr. is acting again. And Soleil Moon Frye is awesome. I just really loved it. Especially with her two adopted sons of color. I just think the first season was awesome.

As I’ve mentioned before I have a shopping problem. And I never watched TBBT until for some random purchase on Amazon had seasons 1-10 on blu ray. So I impulsively bought it, and when I started watching it, I was absolutely hooked. Then when the series ended I bought the limited edition of all 12 seasons. I love the show so I don’t consider it a bad purchase, and since my amazon account is still locked I’ve been watching it on HBO Max, which fun fact, if you subscribe to HBO on cable, you get HBO max for free.

When I have a migraine I usually turn off all my lights and turn my tv down low and put it to ‘audio only’ feature and snuggle up in bed with my cats.

My one cat, Butter, is going through his rebellious phase. I bought him as a kitten from the animal shelter and he was always my best behaved cat. He didn’t start meowing until like 6 months ago (he’s six now). When I first got him after like 2 months I still hadn’t heard him meow so I had called the vet to ask her opinion. She asked if he was able to purr, which he did all the time, so she assured me he’s just a quiet guy. Until 6 months ago. Then he started making up for lost time.

My grandfather had a cat named ‘Mabel’ and she was such a sweetheart. When I first adopted my twin kitties (Peter Parker and Tony Stark), Peter used to chase her around and at first she would smack him around but then eventually they started running off together. It was so adorable. We always joked around and said they were a married couple. Unfortunately we lost Mabel to cancer last year (she was 16), Peter will be 6 in July.

My cats were never allowed upstairs because they had claws, Peter just didn’t like that rule and would run up every time I opened the door. So we let him up but if his claws came out he went back downstairs. He learned pretty quick.

After Mabel passed I asked my grandpa if he would like my cats to come up during the day and he was all like “no, absolutely not. I don’t want to get attached to another cat. Well me and my uncle talked about it and we did it gradually. Now we leave my door open during the day, Butter has really bonded with Grandpa.

And when it’s time for bed 3 of them just go downstairs no problem, Butter, on the other hand is going through his rebellious period and will go under grandpa’s bed, or hide in the dark in grandpa’s room. Eventually he comes down though. Usually after 1/2 hour or more depending on his attitude that night. Sometimes he’ll stand by my door and when we go to open it he’ll run right back up to grandpa’s room. Grandpa calls him ‘buttercup’ and I do too. When he was born he had a sister that they named ‘Peanut’ get it, Peanut Butter. But they adopted them out separately so a black and white cat named ‘Butter’ doesn’t really make sense. I like Buttercup.

And now I am going to take my daily nap. Ever since this last concussion I’ve had to take a daily nap. I’ve also had other issues, but I’ll go into those later. I’m getting super tired.

I Took Yesterday Off To Contemplate My Extreme Reaction To What Happened Over The Weekend

My reaction was extreme. However it was 20+ years in the making. The Gerdts’ have NEVER treated me even close to how they treated my brother. Even before my car accident. After my car accident they decided I wasn’t even worth talking to. I don’t regret sending the links, it gave me the opportunity to really see how there are no redemptive qualities with anyone on that side of the family.

I was always smarter than him, I still am, if I’m honest. I have a bigger vocabulary, I skipped a grade or two in elementary school, I always made straight A’s without even trying, whereas he’d have to work his ass off to get a C. The funny thing is though, that even though I was never good enough, I never held it against him. I was never jealous, in fact, when my brother became too much to handle, she sent him to NY to live with my father, she kept me around and fought for me, kept sending me to residential treatment, and helped me to get on the straight and narrow again, and for that I will always appreciate her. I’m not sure what will happen with the two of us, but I will always be proud of her for getting sober and always thankful for the help she made me receive as a teenager.

After my accident, I kind of had to start life over, and it was my grandpa who raised me. He was more of a father to me than my own father, and I can’t say he did a better job, but he made me feel more loved, he never made me feel as though I wasn’t good enough. He has never told me I should get my own apartment. This is the first place that ever felt like home. And actually, I did live on my own twice. The first time I moved back to NY was with my brother and his friends. I’m pretty sure he only wanted me there because grandpa would make sure we had enough money, we had a falling out and I had to sleep with my cat in my car! Then him and his friends destroyed my 36″ inch tv (which was an expensive tv, and it was considered a big screen back then. When I went to get my stuff they pretended like they didn’t have anything to put my stuff in and I had to put whatever I could fit in a garbage bag with garbage in it. That’s who he is. I should have seen it back then and written him off and never looked back.

The second time I moved out on my own, I had a roommate named Anthony, who was more of a brother and treated me like his sister while I lived there. We still keep in touch on Facebook. He had a cat named Mr. Jingles, and I had a cat named Spitfire (the only female cat I will ever own). We lived in the Bronx and Mr. Jingles took to me right away, of course he loved Anthony just as much, but he was really sweet to me as well. When we both decided to move, he couldn’t bring Jingles with him, so I offered to take him until he could have him again. I know that sounds dumb, but I know how it is to have to live somewhere without your cat and miss your cat like crazy. I had every intention of giving him back if Anthony wanted him. But then I got so attached. And he was getting the care he needed, vet visits and regular shots and stuff. I’m not saying Anthony wouldn’t do that, or didn’t do that, I’m just saying I got super attached and ended up asking Anthony if I could keep him. He said yes. And I am so grateful. Had he said no, I would have given Mr. Jingles back, it would have destroyed me but I would have given him back. Tangent, sorry.

Since then, the thought of moving out is not even an option for me. I want to fix up our house and stay here with my uncle, whom I have always been close to, and has really helped me on and off for pretty much my whole life. When I was in residential treatment we would write letters to each other, we always had a close bond, and now it’s even more. He helps me out, both emotionally and he’s helping me get straightened out financially to become more financially independent. We talked through a plan and worked it out, because when I got the summons I completely relapsed on the shopping front.

Funny, it’s the 3rd, yet I haven’t gone to any websites or have any plans to go to Walmart, Target, anywhere. I have an Amazon cart which I am paying for in Amazon Gift cards, on my uncles account because mine is sill locked. But for the first time, I’m paying. And I’m not trying to get anything else, a lot of it is stuff I need. I’m kind of proud of myself.

I’m a little worried because it is hard to concentrate and I love to read. Next month I see my old neurologist to discuss the two major head traumas and 5 concussions, at least 5. To see if I have Post Concussion Syndrome, I kind of think I do, I looked at the symptoms and I meet more than the 3 required. Of course I also have medical conditions so some of the symptoms overlap. However, since the last concussion, I’ve been having a very hard time concentrating on reading (and I am a voracious reader), I require a nap each day. It’s not fun.

Well, that’s all for right now. I hope everyone that reads this enjoys it!

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I Think I Might Be

Too depressed to even assist in my own defense. Aside from the physical issues I’ve been dealing with the events of yesterday and today have just made me feel empty. The only one on my side is my grandpa, my uncle has even decided I’m a burden or whatever. I’m empty at this point…..

I don’t even have the energy or desire to get out of bed, let alone eating, taking a shower, anything. Every thing sucks and I am done.