My Thoughts

Are absolutely all over the place. Every time I start a blog entry I end up rambling about 50 different things. I can’t even follow it. Hence why I have not written since the entry about my dad.

I got my first Covid vaccine like a week ago, I think. I just know I have to go back in the middle of the month. I had to go all the way to Lynn, Massachusetts. It was a LONG drive. I live in Greenfield which is about 2-3 hours away from Boston. It took us about 3 1/2 to get to Lynn, but we didn’t have to go through Boston, so the drive wasn’t as bad. It just took forever. But there is absolutely no where to get the vaccine. We only have like 7 mass vaccination sites, so of course I signed up for the waiting list. However, since I’m a patient at Mass General in Boston, they had multiple places with multiple openings. I chose Lynn because they had an 8 pm appointment and since my mom had to come up from CT to take me I chose that one so she wouldn’t have to leave work too early.

I do drive, but I don’t like driving on highways unless I absolutely have to. (TBI and Conversion Disorder and stuff). I’ve had long talks with my doctors about driving and how to be careful and stay safe while driving and stuff.

In about an hour I have a zoom meeting with the court appointed psychologist. I’m super nervous. My mom was like “you’ll be fine just answer the questions and don’t say anything else” and I replied “I’m not so good at NOT saying extra stuff.” LOL. So I’m nervous.

I’m glad it’s finally happening though. I’ve been waiting and waiting for this meeting. I can’t go into why or anything right now, maybe someday after it’s all over.

Well that’s all for now. If you enjoy my content don’t forget to like, follow, and comment. πŸ™‚

My Dad Died

I found out last night and I was shocked but accepting of it. A little backstory: I haven’t spoken to him in probably a decade, maybe longer. He was hooked on opioids and I got tired of his whole cycle of getting clean then relapsing then getting clean again. For my own mental health I had to walk away. He was a disappointment to me ever since I could remember.

I remember as children he would call my grandmother’s house and say he was on his way, like literally he’d say “I’m only five minutes away I’ll be right there to pick you and your brother up”. And then me and my brother would stand in the doorway of my grandma’s house counting cars and waiting. For hours. He’d never show up.

Then he would come in and out of our lives so much that I believe that’s where my BPD comes from. I was never able to form an attachment or any sort of consistent relationship with him. My mom may have been drunk and abusive, but at least I didn’t have a fear that she would just disappear one day. Every time he disappeared I never knew if he was coming back or not.

I didn’t know this back then or anything but he was addicted to opioids for a very long time. He maybe could have been a great dad, had the SACKLER family not pushed for doctors to get their patients hooked on opioids. Or maybe he still would have been a bad dad, no one will ever know.

I lived with him briefly after my car accident, but it was a disaster. Like a real disaster. The best thing that ever happened was when he kicked me out and I ended up with my grandfather.

I feel his death is a blessing, at least to him. He wasn’t living any type of life. He drove everyone away with his drug use and jackassery. I hope he’s at peace now. And as for everyone else on his side of the family, well they don’t have to worry about him crashing anymore funerals or weddings or making scenes everywhere he goes.

I didn’t think it would hit me this hard, like I said I hadn’t spoken to him in a decade or more. But today I find myself just constantly crying. It’s like I’m going backwards through the stages of grief. Last night I was in shock but I was accepting, today I woke up wanting blood from the Sackler family and then as I was driving to and from the store I couldn’t stop crying.

He was never a good dad, he hurt me tremendously my whole life until I just walked away. I legally had my last name changed to separate myself from him and his side of the family, yet I am actually grieving him and I never thought I would.

Same thing with Barbara (his mom, my grandma that was toxic and I had to walk away), I grieved her as well. Although it didn’t affect me nearly as much as my dad is.

Because no matter what, I can definitively say that of his whole side of the family, I believe he cared more than the rest of them combined. He wasn’t able to show it, and he had demons that he just couldn’t beat, an addiction that wouldn’t let him show it. But he cared more than anyone on that side.

The only one I care about is my older brother, the rest I will be throwing parties when they drop. Hopefully, sooner than later. That’s cold and callous, but so is the way they’ve treated me my entire life, and the world will be so much better off with a few less racists in the world.

That’s all for now. I have a headache from all the crying I’ve been doing and honestly I want to make some calls and reschedule some appointments because I’m not going to be any good to anyone this week.

BPD Checklist

This is a Kessler Psychological Distress scale. I’m going to type out the questions and answer them. I read over it this morning and I’m not doing so well, so maybe me putting my answers out there may show someone else that they are not alone. Or make someone who’s not in so much distress feel better about themselves.

But, before I get into the questions, I’d like to share that I was diagnosed with BPD at 16 years old. Normally that diagnosis isn’t made until a person is 18, but my BPD traits were so prevalent that I was an exception to that rule. Ok, so here I go with the questions:

1.) During the last 30 days, about how often did you feel tired out for no good reason? That answer has to be a number 5 (All of the time). I spend more time in my bed exhausted than I do out of it. Of course, we have to keep in mind that I’ve had a few concussions to deal with, and migraines, a TBI, and Bipolar Disorder type II. Not a fun combination.

2.) During the last 30 days, about how often did you feel nervous? I would have to say that one is a 3. It comes and goes.

3. During the last 30 days, about how often did you feel so nervous that nothing could calm you down? That one is a 2, because honestly shopping calms me down, although that brings in a whole new set of problems.

4.) During the last 30 days, how often did you feel hopeless? That one is a big ‘ole 5

5.) During the last 30 days, about how often did you feel restless or fidgety? That’s a 1, it hasn’t really been a problem for me.

6.) During the last thirty days, about how often did you feel so restless you could not sit still? Again, that’s a number 1, hasn’t really been a problem.

7.) During the last 30 days, about how often did you feel depressed? That’s a 5 but I’ve been depressed a lot more than 30 days…

8.) During the last 30 days, about how often did you feel that everything was an effort? Again that’s a 5 and it’s been way more than 30 days

9.) During the last 30 days, about how often did you feel so sad that nothing could cheer you up? A 5, shopping and mani/pedis aren’t even making me even a little happier not even for a second.

10.) During the last 30 days, about how often did you feel worthless? That’s a 5. I feel worthless and useless to my entire family.

So those are my answers to the questionnaire, anyone else that is feeling bad and reads this I hope they’ll realize they’re not the only ones. And anyone doing better feel free to leave a comment letting me know what works or has worked in the past.

Don’t forget to hit that subscribe/follow button, and comment and/or like my post if you’d like πŸ™‚

Depressed/Hopeless 2

So I wrote my first blog earlier, it’s been up all day and no one has even read it I don’t think. No likes, no comments, just nothing. I feel like that’s my life right now. A bunch of nothing. It’s getting harder and harder to get out of bed, I’m constantly fatigued, I sleep all day and fall asleep at night.

I’m putting on an act for everyone, acting as if I’m happy, but really all I feel inside is empty. And it’s not just the GoFundMe, I knew it was a long shot. I ruined 2 diamond paintings that I was doing for Allison Burnett and my Grandfather. Well Mr. Cat kind of mostly ruined Allison’s. I’ll get replacements made but right now I am working on a real big “San Francisco Giants” painting for my uncle.

Baseball season starts tomorrow!! I am so excited. Me and my uncle have tickets to two Yankee games but we still don’t know if we’ll be able to go yet. My grandpa and I are the Yankee fans in our family, everyone else are fans of the “Mess” otherwise known as the Mets.

I’m watching “Beethoven” the first one. There are 8 “Beethoven” movies, I can’t believe they made that many. And I mean the movies about the big St Bernard , not the musical composer.

Starting tomorrow I have big plans. Put all the junk in the garage and pack up my winter clothes, start walking again so I can lose the last 20 pounds. I hope I can stay motivated.

I’m just feeling lonelier and lonelier but I’m going around putting on this act like everything is fine, when it’s not. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Depression/Hopeless 1

So my GoFundMe is holding strong at 0 dollars. I need 5000 to pay my uncle and grandfather back. At this point I’m kind of whatever about it. Times are tough, real tough, and there are people with GoFundMe’s for food for their family and whatnot.

I got an email today from someone at the GoFundMe site, saying they were concerned because I mention having suicidal thoughts. He gave me resources and asked if I was working with someone or whatever. I thought that was nice. And I do have a therapist. And a psychiatrist, neurologist, Botox doctor (for migraines), neuropsychiatrist, the list goes on and on.

Being completely honest, I still do have suicidal thoughts like all the time. There is no possible way I’ll be able to pay my uncle back in any short amount of time. Times are tough, people don’t have money to throw away money to a spoiled girl that really messed up and now owes her uncle and grandfather 5 grand.

But just because I have suicidal thoughts doesn’t mean I am going to hurt myself. That’s why Crisis let me go home the night my uncle was scared I was going to do it. I told the crisis guy “suicidal ideation does not mean I’m actually going to do it”

I’m just really depressed, especially right now, it’s very hard to get out of bed. I’m fatigued all day and have insomnia at night. I just wish I could do something. And times are really tough so I mean I understand why no one wants to donate, and why they can’t. It’s just depressing because all I can do is 50 dollars a month.

Baseball season starts tomorrow and I am excited about that. Go Yankees!! I’m going to add my GoFundMe on here once more, just in case. I hate myself for the position I put my uncle and grandfather in. I’m working on the whole self forgiveness thing but its not going to well.

Fundraiser by Shannon Catherine Marie : Help Shannon Repay Her Uncle and Grandfather (


Today would have been my grandma would have turned 92, had she not died in 2002. I still miss her so much. It doesn’t seem fair that I lost her, I’m still angry that I lost her. She absolutely hated being photographed so basically I have the featured image, and some wedding photos.

Funny story about the wedding photos, they were taken by a professional photographer, so we can’t make copies. The day my grandfather found his wedding album I took it to CVS to try and make copies and they wouldn’t let me. I was so furious. I went home crying and my uncle asked what was wrong and I told him I couldn’t make copies and it wasn’t fair because I was the closest to her and it’s not my fault I was born at “the bottom of the food chain”. It goes my grandpa of course, then my mom, then my uncle, then my brother, and then me. So I’d be like 60 by the time the pictures got to me and I was so distraught. Ok maybe this story isn’t so funny, but seriously you have to give me credit for the “bottom of the food chain” comment.

So after my little emotional breakdown/outburst, I went down to my room. And my uncle went upstairs to talk to my grandfather about what happened. So the next day grandpa gave me 1/2 of his wedding picturesπŸ’žπŸ’“πŸ’—. Happy ending for me!!

My grandmother was constantly shopping, she would buy like 20 of one thing 30 of another, she did her Christmas shopping all year round. I remember one time it was me, my grandpa, cookie, and my brother, we had just been to a store where my grandma bought like 20 fly swatters. Then, in our hotel room, there was a fly and she wouldn’t let my brother use a fly swatter kill it. So he ended up chasing the fly around the room trying to kill it with a hotel bible. It was hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.

When I was young and my dad’s side of the family would take my brother places and leave me with me with my cookie and at that time my grandpa was always at work (He was VP of Guardian Life Insurance), I would sit at the dining room table practicing my handwriting or just reading. She would always say to me: “why don’t you go outside and play” and I’d always have the same answer “I’m having fun sitting with you, and besides I’m left handed and lefties have bad handwriting, I want good handwriting.” I was a nerd since I was 4 and taught myself how to read.

I miss her so much. I’m definitely close to my grandfather, I don’t know what I would do without him. I mean not only does he help me, he doesn’t realize how much taking care of him actually means to me. And I help him by taking care of him.

One day, years ago, back when grandpa was still able to come downstairs, we were in the laundry room and I found a big portrait of him and my grandma. I took it and hung it up in my room. Later that day I went up to his room and said “you realize you’re not getting that portrait back right?” And he laughed and said “yeah I kind of figured that when you hung it on your wall”.

This is the portrait we found in the laundry room that now hangs in my room.

I love her so much. And it’s supposed to get easier with time, but really, it hasn’t. I miss her more and more each day, and I’ll admit that I’m a little bitter that she passed but all the assholes on my dad’s side are fine. Granted my other Grandma and Grandpa passed but that was just this year and a couple years ago. It just seems so unfair. And my cousins, why do they get to keep living without a care in the world? They are BAD PEOPLE!! I fully admit that I am bitter and I would have rathered it be one of them instead of my Cookie. Then again I have no relationship with them so I don’t care what happens to them.

I have so many more stories, but I’ll save them for another day. The most important thing is I have so many good memories of her it helps keep her alive in my heart.

Don’t forget to hit the like button, the follow button, or subscribe for those without a WordPress account. And leave me a comment if you like πŸ™‚

Wednesday’s Thoughts

I actually started this entry yesterday, but then I got really tired and went back to sleep. And then when I woke up I had to rush to the nail salon, and then as soon as I was done my uncle and me headed out to Mass General in Boston so I could get the Botox done. It was not fun. He injected it all into my head and it hurt as he did it. I felt the little pricks as he poked all the different spots in my head. Then leaving, I had a bit of a headache, today I feel somewhat better, other than feeling extremely tired.

The Back of my eye is hurting a little bit, so I don’t expect to do much today. Maybe watch some tv or nap, read, I ruined a diamond painting because of my own stupidity. Anyone that diamond paints can probably understand what happens when you leave the sticky part exposed and get a paper stuck on it. The other one that got ruined was more my cats fault. I accidently left the sticky part exposed and my cat knocked a drink on it.

I stayed up late last night finishing the book “Her Dark Lies” by JT Ellison, it kept my attention and I could not put it down. Every book I’ve read by her has kept my attention and I have a hard time putting it down. She is a brilliant writer. I’m about to start “Dead To Her” by Sarah Pinborough.

The hardest thing I’m having to deal with right now are the neurological symptoms (the intention tremor, the fatigue, the stumbling, the tripping over my words as I try to talk, etc.). And the constant migraines which should get better with the Botox, although the dr. did say most patients usually start to really see results after the second treatment. Which will be in twelve weeks. Yay.

I’ve been thinking about my brother a lot the past few days, and I don’t think he’s been so much as willfully ignorant, as much as naively ignorant. Which would go back to the post where I mentioned that in the hospital while I was on an all liquid diet he fed me cheese fries. I feel like even back then he was in a little bit of denial about exactly what happened to me and how I was changed forever.

I just feel like he doesn’t understand my limitations, and is still in a state of denial, (not completely, but to a certain effect). I feel like he doesn’t understand my conditions and up to this point hasn’t even tried to understand the full effects, and what I deal with on a daily basis. Especially right now, I have so much stuff going on in my life that I need to focus on. Maybe one day we’ll be able to have a conversation and work things out, but not right now. I have too much going on in my life that I need to be focused on.

Last night I was thinking about my blog and what I would like to do with it. Should I make different pages? Such as my favorite quotes/affirmations, maybe one with song lyrics that really resonate with me. One thing is I would like to start a series on tv show characters that I really relate to and why I relate to them. Another thing I would like to do is write some book/movie reviews, and also I’ve been studying the Law of Attraction and Affirmations, I also have some kindle books with some journal prompts, which I think will be helpful in finding myself, as well as improving my writing.

I’m still relatively new at this, so I’m trying to come up with ideas that will really make my page stand out. If anyone has any suggestions I am all ears.

Don’t forget to like, follow or subscribe, and drop me some comments!!

Update 2

First of all, I haven’t written a post because I haven’t been feeling well, I’ve been stuck in bed with a killer migraine almost every day. This Tuesday I have an appointment at MassGeneral to get Botox which will hopefully end these constant migraines, and let me get back to my life. And let me get back to doing the exercises and playing board games with my Grandpa. I feel like I’ve been doing the bare minimum lately, and I should be doing more. However, I feed him on time, cook when I feel well enough, and make sure he takes his meds at the right time. I just feel I should be doing more. I know he’s been doing his exercises daily, the upstairs ones anyway, but I haven’t been pushing him and haven’t been making him do the downstairs exercises (which he can’t do by himself anyway). I miss the board games and the card games too. I’m convinced he somehow cheats because no one can possibly be as good at Old Maid as he is. LOL. Seriously.

I’m working with my therapist on self forgiveness, but it is extremely hard. Growing up I was a total bookworm and focused on school and gymnastics, even skipped a grade or two. I was always a perfectionist, and to this day I still am with certain things. I have like ten million pens (exaggeration yes, but not as much as you may think.)

Each drawer has a certain type of pen in all different colors but I like to keep them organized, in fact I’m a little neurotic about it. My uncle now has like 50 notebooks because I am so neurotic that I will just throw a notebook away if I rip out a page or two. I have a lot of issues to work on.

It’s difficult for me, the last 20 years since my car wreck have not been kind to me. I would get a job and work my ass off, and I did the job better than most employees because since my car accident I feel like I have something to prove. But I’d still hear the whispers behind my back, the condescending way managers and other employees alike would talk to me. The way they would make me so miserable and I knew they were discriminating against me but I couldn’t prove it, so I’d end up having a meltdown and quitting.

It hasn’t gotten easier with time, but my attitude is starting to change. I’m sure I’ve said this before, I tend to repeat myself a lot. One of the perks of multiple head traumas. And my dysarthria that makes me talk like I’m shouting even though to me I sound normal. For 20 years I have wished that I hadn’t survived my car wreck. Every time my mom would bring it up I would reiterate that I wish I had died. (More on that later). But I’ve finally gotten to a point where I’m not happy I survived, but I’m not not happy. Taking care of my grandpa gives me purpose, I don’t feel like I’m just “existing” anymore. But I also realize that I do need to find something else, aside from just taking care of my 92 year old grandfather. He’s not going to be around forever, and it kills me to think about not having him.

I love to write I always have. And I’m glad I started this blog to get things off my chest and practice my writing. I really want to be an author. And I like having people read my stuff.

So for those who haven’t read my entries where I discuss the big blow up I had because my cousin is a Karen. Ironically, her mother is also named Karen and they both fit that description to a T. I just completely lost it and told my brother to just think of me as dead. I then got into it with my mom hung up on her and totally blew up her text messages with not so nice language.

I do have mental illnesses I have to deal with on a daily basis, and when you throw in the stress I’m under (my court case, the fact that I keep getting concussion after concussion, the fact that I’m showing signs of Post-Concussion Syndrome, and I have to see a neurologist and find out exactly how much head trauma/concussions I have to get before I have to start worrying about the possibility of CTE). You get the idea. That’s another thing, all of a sudden I’m having these intense reactions and having violent thoughts that I don’t like. And it honestly scares me. My mom has been there for me and supported me through so much, yet every time I get mad I forget all of that and make it seem as though she hasn’t supported me, or is choosing my brother over me.

My father’s half of the family has never been kind to me. They never liked me since the day I was born. The exception would be Barbara, as two faced as she was, and all the needless drama, I do believe in her own way she did love me in her own way. I forgive her for everything that ever happened and am choosing to focus on my good memories of her.

All these years I would get so mad at my mom for bringing up my car wreck and every time she did I would make it clear that I wish I hadn’t survived. I’ve never tried to see things from her point of view, but it has to be all she thinks about, that she very nearly lost her daughter. But my uncle mentioned last night that that is probably something she thinks about all the time. I went to bed thinking about that. It’s hard to see things from different perspectives. I’ve just always looked at it from my perspective, and the last 20 years have brought nothing but misery, life has not been kind to me. But I’m here, and I’m trying. I’m trying to get better, I’m trying to find a purpose, besides just taking care of grandpa and my cats. I love my cats. I love how it is now more than when I was dating the last couple of losers I dated. I like being by myself, I have a 50 pound weighted blanket I sleep under, and all 4 cats know when its bedtime and they all cuddle by me. I’m fulfilled by myself (well as much as I can be with the issues I’m working on). But I have absolutely no interest in browsing dating right now. I’m happy being able to get stuff for myself, do my hobbies, write, quarantine has been difficult but because I can’t go out and see my friends when I want to. Not because I want to date or anything like that. I hate how society acts and teaches us that if you don’t have a partner your life must not be complete. That’s complete horseshit.

Anyway back on topic, last night me and my mom tried to make up (it didn’t go so well). So we tried again this morning. And I realize that there are some things I can really be better at. And I understand her perspective a little more and I think she gets mine. I think we can get back to being close again. I also realized that I tend to project my feelings about Robbie onto her, and when she doesn’t automatically choose me I project my jealousy and feelings of inferiority about my brother onto her. The entire half of the family that doesn’t like me and that probably wishes I had died in the wreck, has always loved him. Even though I was smarter, more driven, they would take my brother places and leave me with my grandmother. Which, really, I’m kind of grateful because it helped me build a bond with my “cookie”. I used to sit at the dining room table with her and practice my handwriting. And she would always say “don’t you want to go outside to play?” I’d be like “nope need to practice because left handed people usually have messy handwriting.” I have the best memories of my mom’s mom. I was her favorite, everyone knew it. But she NEVER treated my brother like he wasn’t worth anything. She treated us the same, spoiled us the same. There was never a competition for her attention, she had plenty of attention, and love to give to both of us. Even though I was her favorite. 😁

Before I end this post, I want to describe what goes on with me daily:

I have a million thoughts running through my head at any one time, my intention tremor has come back since the last concussion, I constantly forget what I am saying or doing, I repeat myself constantly and if I’m put on the spot it’s like I freeze and can’t remember my point. I’m stumbling over words, my depth perception is getting worse. I’m even getting my cats names mixed up, it’s a horrible feeling to feel like I’m losing it. These new feelings of rage are so much more intense than they’ve been in the past, it’s scary. I constantly have to nap, I have a migraine nearly every day, and every day I deal with suicidal ideation. I feel like I live in a hell that no one can fully understand.

Don’t forget to like, comment, reblog, follow/subscribe for the rest of my content.!!!

Something Is Not Right

I’ve been sick and in bed since late last week, my stomach has been in a LOT of pain and I’ve been in bed watching movies and tv shows on Amazon. I haven’t been on here because I just haven’t been feeling right. I’ll be back when I’m feeling better.

Don’t forget to like, follow/subscribe, and maybe leave a comment (I answer to all of them) and hopefully I will be back soon.

I Feel Like Such A Failure

Yesterday, my uncle wrote me a check to cover all the Amazon expenses (because we both share prime and we use my account for buying tv shows and movies and stuff). He wrote up a bill as well so I can start working on paying him back. I’ve felt absolutely horrible about the whole Amazon thing since November when I found out how much I spent.

I can’t really go into too much detail right now. But I messed up big time. I messed up so bad that my uncle had to call the police because he was afraid I was going to hurt myself. I was definitely considering it. Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try I just keep messing up. It’s so hard. Between my TBI and my mental health issues it is just so hard not to be impulsive and do stupid things that seem like no big deal at the time. But I’m hurting the two people that mean the most to me in the world. My grandfather is my world. When he tore his rotator cuff, there was no question about it. I was going to stay home and take care of him. Make his meals, give him his pills on time, etc. He took me in when no one else in my family wanted me. I love him so much and to think that I hurt him kills me inside.

As for my uncle, I can always talk to him about what I’m going through, and he always has good advice, he’s helped me out financially more times than I can count. I hate that I put them through so much. My uncle wrote me out a bill and told me to start thinking of ways to pay him back. I figure I can do 50 dollars a month (I hope). So I owe him 3,400.00 and that’s just from yesterday. I feel horrible because it is going to take forever to pay him back.

This morning I woke up and went up to see my grandpa and I said to him I feel like such a horrible person, and he told me not to feel that way and that they would work everything out. And he reminded me how much he loves me and how much I do for him. It’s still hard though, I feel so bad about everything.

My room is a disaster area and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of living like a hoarding slob. I think it stems from when I was growing up we didn’t have much, and when I would spend time with my grandma and grandpa they would get me whatever I wanted. And the fact that in 2003 the first time I moved up here I really didn’t have anything. Just some clothes. Grandpa bought me a lot of stuff and I became completely spoiled. I’m trying to get out of that mentality and become mature. It has NOT been easy. But I am determined to become a better, more mature person.

It won’t be easy, but I believe in myself. I’m a fighter and a survivor and I can do whatever I put my mind to.